| |
Illegal Immigrants' Status in Danger; Price of Strawberries Triples
With the debate in Congress raging over punishments for illegal immigrants, strawberry farmers are taking no chances that their income will be cut with the loss of their workers.
"It really is a matter of survival," Freddie Barry said in a speakerphone interview. "It's not my fault Americans don't want to do back-breaking work for pennies. You cut off my workers, then I have no one pick to strawberries, and you have no strawberries to buy. It's a simple supply and demand thing."
He was quick to add that his current workers have recently received raises: "I've nearly doubled the salaries of all my hourly employees, because I know that most of them will be jobless if the law passes." The pay hike brings the average worker's salary up to fourteen cents an hour.
When asked why the prices at 'Pick your own' stands rose, Barry changed the subject. "Look. If I have to pick the berries myself, I'll be damned if I'm going to pay myself four cents an hour. That's just absurd.
"No one complained when gas prices spiked after Hurricane Katrina," Barry continued. "This is our hurricane. Hurricane Pepe."
Barry warns that the strawberry industry is just the first wave, "This is just the tip of the iceberg. I guarantee you that the price of churros, burritos and sombreros will rise. This nation is in for a hurting when it comes to Mexican culture."
Barry showed signs of not being completely concerned about the status of his current workers. After the interview, he spoke about an alternative source of cheap labor. "Besides, I have several leads into the Russian bride smuggling ring. And if that falls through, there are always college students and former Grateful Dead followers. As long as you offer them a place to sleep, some weed, and Ramen noodles they'll do about anything. With any luck, my production will stay the same."
Realizing that he was still on the phone with us, he added, "What, this thing is still on? Keep that out of the interview, please?"
We declined to comment.
Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
|
|
