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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Donald Rumsfeld |
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| You are disappointed to see: Home > News | October 12th |
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The Health Report: British Chocolate a Health Risk, American Chocolate SuffersAug 10 2006 by Kelly Mahan Jaramillo
On June 24, the U.K. edition of The Times reported that the Cadbury Chocolate Company was under investigation over why it kept silent for six months about salmonella contamination at one of its factories, before removing one million chocolate bars from its shelves.The WME immediately pulled all Cadbury chocolates in the United States. The Today show contacted James W. Lewis, spokesman for the Food and Beverage Safety branch of the WME, to speak with Matt Lauer about making such a rash move before there was any evidence of salmonella in the U.S. "The Brits might want to sit around and wait for the problem to go away, but we in America believe in taking swift action against our enemies, whether it be al-Qaeda or salmonella. We don't risk American lives." Lauer pointed out to Lewis that the British chocolate came from only one factory, the amount of salmonella was minute, and it was near impossible for anyone to fall ill from such a small amount. Lewis waved him off. "If it was such a tiny amount, why wait six months before alerting their Food Standards Agency? And if it was nothing to worry about, why pull the chocolate? The moment we heard this information, we recalled every Cadbury chocolate bar in stores immediately." Lauer began to explain that Cadbury chocolate has been sold in the United States since 1988 under the Cadbury trademark, but the chocolate itself is manufactured by Hershey's, at the Hershey's chocolate plant, located in Hershey, Pennsylvania, while the contaminated Cadbury chocolate was manufactured at the Malbrook plant near Leominster, Herefordshire, in England. A red faced Lewis began to get agitated. "Matt, are you with us or against us? Do American lives matter to you at all? The public can argue against this decision all they want, but we here in government know what the best course of action is, and we are pulling Cadbury chocolate, regardless of the facts." Lewis stood up and stormed off the set. Lauer was overheard saying he wished Tom Cruise would come back sometime soon. Something strange is going on inside the White House - does the Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team have the cure, or are they the culprits? Check out the reports from deep inside the WME.
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