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Re-animated Corpses of Merriams, Webster to Convene For Debate
Jan 15 2007 by JokimotoA joint team of U.S. and Burundi scientists have successfully brought the rotting corpses of Noah Webster and brothers George and Charles Merriam back to life, hoping to affix a permanent label to the situation in Iraq.
Speaking on behalf of D.A.R.P.A., the Dept. of Defense Advanced Research and Projects Agency, which is funding the event, Senior Zombiologist Art Briscombe stated the project's goal: "We hope to see a vigorous and lively debate and, ultimately, a firm conclusion on whether the situation in Iraq is or is not 'Civil War'."
However, Briscombe added, no firm date has been set for the debates due to "Noah's unrelenting asininity." When pressed for detail, Briscombe said that Mr. Webster has been cranky and demanding since being brought back from the grave.
"He won't debate anywhere in Europe unless we agree to change the spelling to 'Y-o-o-r-u-p', and refuses to participate at all if 'wimmen' are involved. Those are just two of the issues," he said, adding that Chauncey A. Goodrich, Webster's literary heir and back-up Zombie for the event, may have to be brought in if negotiations aren't settled quickly.
"After all," said Briscombe, "the Iraqi people can't wait forever. They need answers now. Are they fighting a true 'Civil War'? Or can they sleep easier at night knowing it's merely 'sectarian violence'?"
George and Charles Merriam, meanwhile, are reported to be enjoying the wait in Buenos Aires.
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