Democratic Convention Coverage: Satire Guild President's Wednesday Analysis

Douglass Ramssmullett, president of the International Satirists Guild and Norwegian citizen, continues to provide his analysis of the Democratic National Convention for DeadBrain.com.

This week in Boston has been like sitting through the triple-ridiculously-extended versions of the Lord of the Rings movies. Except if the movies were all those Chucky movies instead.

Whoever made those Chucky movies had to be a Swede - no other people come up with such vile movie concepts, except perhaps the Kyrgyzstanians. Bastards. But I digress.

It is a shame, a shame! The Democratic Party makes all these people wait three days and sit through excruciating meetings that even C-SPAN won't cover, just to get a glimpse of an unjaded specimen of love - John Edwards, the man of the evening!

The man I've been hearing so little about, because no one can shut their cod holes about Kerry's war record! The man who suffered an endless parade of dead-people-talking jokes, including one especially witless example from this site! The man who could be a heartbeat away from melting my cold, icy satirist's soul! John Edwards, your love is, indeed, lifting me higher.

Look at him! Is he not beautiful? He is like if your sadly passed John Ritter had been a televangelist. He has the head of your John Denver with the smile of your Tom Cruise, and the ugliest wart on his upper lip that makes him the imperfect perfection! And he is a Southerner who can correctly pronounce the word "nuclear"! Ah, strange bedfellows.

He is very grabby with his Lewinsky-look-alike daughter, compared to his wife. I cannot blame him for this, as the winter coat is especially attractive to me. But John - keep her away from that Bill Clinton! He has been sizing her up, no diggity! He doubtless has a cigar with her name written on it, and is smoking it in some strange redneck voodoo ritual. I fear for her, John.

I look forward to reporting on Thursday's events!

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