Democratic Convention Coverage: Satire Guild President's Thursday Analysis

Douglass Ramssmullett, president of the International Satirists Guild and Norwegian citizen, completes his analysis of the Democratic National Convention for DeadBrain.com.

Yes, it is done! I am through the intestines of this great odiferous beast you call your Democratic National Convention, and have been deposited like so much unprocessed waste, covered in the slime of partisan schmoozing, onto the streets of this fair city, this Boston.

But not before witnessing the man this party will stand up against your President Bush. This John Kerry spoke for nearly an hour, and no doubt his words will be parsed to such a degree that Joyce's Ulysses would be a child dressed for winter in Minsk, compared to Kerry's Saharan prostitute of a speech.

And speaking of prostitution, I for a moment thought I was at the Republican National Convention, considering how often 9/11 was mentioned in the speeches this week. I have had it up to my wattle with this! The next time I hear of Democrats complaining about Republican use of 9/11 for political purposes, I'll make them rue the day they were ever on the receiving end of a satirical barb from Douglass Ramssmullett!

But I've digressed again. Excuse me.

The handlers of this Kerry must send him to an improvisational comedy class at once, if they expect him to be victorious in November. Not only can he not recognize a bad joke when he sees one, he has not the delivery to salvage such a joke. Three times he proved this tonight, with his Colonel Klinkish "reporting for duty," and his meatcake-handed "born in the West Wing," and his pitiful "bicycling into East Berlin and getting grounded for it" anecdotes.

Finally, he must undergo surgery to deal with the terrible problem of his chin sweat. How can your country elect a man who sweats so profusely from the skin over his jawbone?

Now, my work is finished here. It has been splendid, but the fjords, they call to me, and so I return to my beloved Norway. Thank you for your attention, and good luck, America. You'll need it.

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