 |
|
|
|
| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Condoleezza Rice |
|
 |
|
| You are sitting on: Home > Politics | August 20th |
| |
|
 American Midol: The Shallowest Reason in the World to Vote for John KerryOct 1 2004 by Lani Voivod
Here it comes - America's favorite media-whoring mega-event - during which reputations are smeared, promises are over-inflated, and the balloon industry prospers like Donald Trump on pecuniary steroids.Election 2004 is going to be a hodge-podge of painfully controversial topics: the Iraq War, the dithering economy, interspecies marriage (oh yes, my friend - the Republicans have convinced me that it's only a matter of time before connubial relations between Fido and Bubba are sanctioned by the state!). If you have very strong opinions on one or all of these laudable issues, by all means, follow your heart and cast your vote accordingly. But if you're at a particularly cynical time in your life in which the entire political circus looks and smells like feces from certified Rocky Mountain oyster danglers, then I've got a great reason to get theeself to the voting booth and poke your hanging chads right down to oblivion. John Kerry has GINORMOUS hands. Can I get a HELL-hubba hubba?! Woohoo! You sexy thang, you! As a woman in the prime of her sexual life - somewhere smack in the middle of the busted hymen and the dried-up ovaries - these things matter. Don't get me wrong. I don't believe in the war. I want my kid educated. And I certainly would like social security and a few trees around if and when I ever retire. But when it comes to the prospect of watching a man spew shamified rhetoric over the media channels for the next four years, I want visual cheap thrills. Those hands, Mr. Kerry, sir. They're quite breathtaking. Such long, nimble fingers. Maybe it's the way he uses them to add interest to his oft-monotoned public-speaking stylings. Whatever. They may not be in a league with Arsenio's or Kobe's, but they're pretty darn good for a white-bread politician. I want a president with strength, conviction, integrity, and courage. But one can't always get what she wants. And George Bush has the sex appeal of a ding-toed lemur. So I'm going for the visual-digital stimulation, with a helping of the handsome Mr. Edwards on the side. Go, Kerry! Related Articles American Midol: Laura Bush - the Wacko Behind the "W" Sep 8 2004
American Midol: Last Columnist Drooling – A Heartfelt Love Letter to Gary Gulman
Aug 14 2004
American Midol: Cameron Diaz and the Fall of the Good Girl
Jul 24 2004
American Midol: If Opinions Are Like A**Holes, Why Do We Worship the Flotsam and Jetsam of Michael Moore's Puckered Orifice?
Jul 3 2004
American Midol: Tina Fey and Her Magnificent Melons
Jun 17 2004
American Midol: Fantasia Barrino – OOOH, Lawdy! That Girl's Got Herself Some Pipes!
May 19 2004
|
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |
| Copyright ©2003-2008 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently. | Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Survey | Vermin |