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Condi Visits Secret CIA Camps in Europe, Tells Brits to "Back Off"

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US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice visited secret CIA detention camps in Europe this week and told EU heads of state to "mind their own f***ing business." Her tour comes after growing opposition in the UK and on the continent to the American practices of extreme rendition and ghost detention.

At Buckingham Palace over tea and kippers with the Queen, Sir Mick Jagger and Foreign Secretary Jack Straw, Rice told Sir Mick that she was a "big fan" and particularly liked his song "Under My Thumbscrews." She also informed Straw that he "can eat my knickers," pointedly rejecting his mild-mannered criticism of American torture practices in Europe.

After tea Rice took British Prime Minister Tony Blair for a short stroll in St. James Park on his leash.

In Romania Rice visited the Mihail Kogalniceanu Dark Site, where Muslim prisoners have secretly been held since the beginning of the Afghanistan war. Rice inspected the facility, where naked Arab terrorists are held in cells maintained at constant temperatures of 49 degrees Fahrenheit and subjected to 24/7 broadcasts of Frank Sinatra's "My Way."

Saying that she wanted to be sure that prisoners were "cozy" and being well-treated, she entered several cells and personally delivered fruit baskets from President Bush, and also playfully twisted the nipples of one or two Muslims hanging from the ceiling with CIA-approved steel pliers.

From Romania the Secretary went by special unmarked Learjet to the Grasnky Dansk Ghost Site in Poland, where Arabs are interrogated by specially trained Serbian glottopsychiatrists using "unique and innovative methods." The prisoners greeted her with Christmas carols and presented her with a special full-size waterboard made out of human skulls.

Rice's tour ended in the catacombs below the Vatican where Pope Benedict "Biggis" Dickus escorted her to the "rumpus rooms" where naked Muslim men were being branded on the butt with heated coat-hangers.

"I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition," said Rice, looking pleased. She bestowed one of her designer leather bras on the Pope for his faithful service to the Empire, joking that "I trust you'll find this useful."

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