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The Health Report: White House Crisis - Medications Failing America!
The latest scuttlebutt from inside the White House has a grim Dick Cheney pointing fingers at DHHS Secretary Michael Leavitt and WME Chief Resident Dr. Eudaimonia for President Bush's plunging approval rate.
A record low of only 32% of Americans still believing President Bush is doing a good job had catapulted the Cabinet into action, frantically looking for who to blame.
National Defense Secretary Condoleezza Rice finally discovered the core problem: Americans were not taking enough drugs. Although, at last count, millions of Americans were taking drugs they did not need, and thousands of people who did need medication found their prescription dosage had doubled, Rice insisted that the public was dangerously under-medicated and, consequently, still able to think for themselves.
Rice stated strongly that Lunesta had not been pushed hard enough, despite its manufacturer, Sepracor, spending million dollars in late-night advertising, and an enthusiastic endorsement from the White House itself during the Katrina disaster.
She also felt that the remaining loyal 32% of Americans needed to start taking testosterone, upping their aggression level and pushing their belief in both George W. Bush and Jesus onto anybody they encountered.
"We've got to put our dissenters to sleep, and get our hardcore base working," Rice was demanding, said an anonymous informant.
"We've got to kick those fundamentalist Christians in the ass, get them angry and rabid and get those numbers up," she reportedly snarled at Leavitt and Eudaimonia. "I just had a shot of testosterone myself, and I can tell you, this (expletive deleted) works! As for those moronic lefty Democratic numbnuts who thought John Kerry was a good choice? How about re-tooling the Lunesta strength a bit? Making it a teeny bit stronger? And don't screw it up like you did with the Ambien - people driving while still asleep and crashing their cars? A little too obvious, gentlemen. A little bit too obvious.
"And a final suggestion? Tell people all medications are perfectly safe to take with an unlimited amount of alcohol."
Rice then stalked out of the room, sucker punching Leavitt in the stomach as she exited.
Something strange is going on inside the White House - does the Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team have the cure, or are they the culprits? Check out the reports from deep inside the WME.
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