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DeadBrain Sues National Enquirer Over Chelsea Clinton Article
Sep 9 2003 by Allen Voivod
DeadBrain has filed suit against the National Enquirer for its intrusion into the personal life of former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton.
The lawsuit comes in the face of a so-called “story” in the September 5th issue, which dares to intrude upon the private life of Ms. Clinton, enjoying a holiday with her Oxford beau. At DeadBrain, we have a strict policy that all public figures are fair game with one exception – our Chelsea.
With this lawsuit, we have decided to become evangelical in our feelings, and to call to account every lowlife tabloid rag that would dare impugn the good name of this respectable maiden.
The basis of our lawsuit stems from the fact that our Chelsea already has enough trouble to deal with in her life. Need we detail how completely screwed up her parents are? Or rehash the public sham made of their marriage during the Monica Lewinsky scandal? Of course not.
A majority of DeadBrain staffers polled also finds Ms. Clinton to be very attractive, and probably pretty wild in the sack because of her family psychopathology.
We admit a certain pulse-quickening at the pictures of a bikini-clad Chelsea accompanying the article, but was it worth the cost to our Chelsea? Curse you, National Enquirer! Our enquiring minds wanted to know what she looked like in her bathing suit, but not like this! She must come willingly, like an angel in the night, with the jacaranda blossoms floating down around her and...
Ummm, sorry about that. Got carried away there for a minute.
Anyway, we at DeadBrain are confident that we will succeed in this legal action, and set an example for other scavengers lurking at the bottom of the journalistic barrel that they will not soon forget.