DeadBrain Rescinds Lesbian, Anal Sex Mandate
Dec 7 2003 by Allen Voivod
A few weeks ago, DeadBrain announced an Editorial Mandate designed to serve the gay and lesbian community. It turns out that this mandate was based on a wholly erroneous assumption – that gays and lesbians were reading our articles.
DeadBrain had contracted with the polling firm MORIORLESSI to analyze our traffic, conduct focus groups, and provide us with demographics to better understand our readers. Since our highest-viewed articles feature lesbian or anal sex themes, it wasn't hard to believe that we had a strong gay following.
It turns out that it was the MORIORLESSI polling team itself which had the insatiable appetite for articles featuring lesbians and anal sex. On a surprise visit to their offices, we found a large supply of magazines and posters featuring women performing all sorts of interesting acts upon each other in very spectacular positions. Our favorite was the wall-length illustrated lesbian version of the Kama Sutra, which was in fact a photomosaic created with thousands of video captures from the "Muff Muff" and "Where the Boys Aren't" video series.
We failed to find any anal sex pictures in their offices, but we did note that their staff was mostly of Greek descent, which would explain their fascination with the subject. Thus, we've had to change our internal assumptions about our readers.
We now are operating under the assumption that our readers are primarily straight males, aged 18-44, horny as hell and fascinated with taboo subject matter. We also have a strong female readership in the same age group, but it's unclear at this point whether they're reading because they enjoy the articles, or they don't trust the men in their lives and are secretly checking up on them. It stands to reason that if women in the latter category spent less time snooping into surfing habits and more time pleasing their men, our readership would decline.
To make a long story short, we're not sure who the hell is reading this, but we thank you for doing so. Happy Holidays, and let us selfishly wish that involuntary celibacy will continue to be yours in 2004.