Baseball to Ban Flaxseed Oil, Transactions with Hookers
Major league baseball, stung by criticism that its lack of a strong steroids policy allowed bulked-up sluggers to hit tape-measure home runs, will ban flaxseed oil, arthritis cream and soliciting prostitution.
"We felt these measures were best in our efforts to retain the loyalty of the millions of fans who attend baseball games each year," said Commissioner Bud Selig, who unveiled the program in response to repeated calls for harsh penalties for using performance-enhancing drugs.
"They like to watch homers. The owners like homers because it puts fans in the seats, which puts more money in owners' pockets, which is why homers are good for everybody - except pitchers," Selig said, using a peculiar form of circular logic.
Selig said he decided to ban flaxseed oil and arthritis cream after the San Francisco Chronicle reported that Giants' slugger Barry Bonds told a federal grand jury that he thought he was using those items rather than performance-enhancing drugs.
"Who knows what will happen if flaxseed oil becomes available in every big league locker room?" Selig asked, apparently unaware that it's available without a prescription in drug stores, health food stores and discount stores across America.
"It might even be cheaper in Canada, although we only have Toronto left there after the Expos left Montreal," Selig said. "So maybe it won't be a big deal in the National League. Even Kelli White, the banned sprinter, said she thought she was taking flaxseed oil. So, see, it's a problem everywhere."
Selig said he decided to make soliciting prostitution a firing offense after the Colorado Rockies terminated the million contract of a Rockies pitcher was stopped after allegedly paying for oral sex.
"Now some might ask, why would Major League Baseball end the contract of someone who got oral sex and not the contract of players who used steroids or human growth hormones?" Selig said. "Good question. I don't know the answer.
"Maybe if the pitcher was 19-6 instead of injured all year, it would have ended differently," Selig theorized. "But we've taken enough heat on steroids. We had to do something."