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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Brad Pitt |
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| You are humming to the tune of: Home > Sport | August 20th |
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Female Indy Driver Isn't What You ThinkJun 1 2005 by Greg Kuhl
"My name is really Dan Patrick, no relation to the ESPN broadcaster," Patrick said. "The whole 'a woman leads the Indy 500 and beats the guys' thing, it's all a lie. And I just can't stand to live a lie anymore. I had to come clean." Patrick said the plan was hatched last year, with the consent of Indy Racing League officials, after ratings for the 2004 Indy 500 "scraped the bottom of the barrel. "We had to do something. Let's face it, nobody could name five IRL drivers if their lives depended on it. It's a new era, no longer the days of Mario Andretti, Al Unser and A.J. Foyt." Plus, Patrick said, there was stiff competition from the NASCAR circuit for sponsor dollars and public popularity. "So somebody had the idea, hey, why not a woman driver? I'm only 5'2", 100 pounds - I once dreamed of being a jockey - so I was chosen. "It wasn't much of a stretch. We hired Hollywood makeup artists, and we were in business. But I must admit, the racy photo spread in FHM magazine was shot with a body double. No way I could pull that off. "Then it was a matter of fooling the media and the public, which isn't hard. They lapped it up like a Labrador retriever scarfs down a bowl of water on a hot summer day." Patrick "kind of enjoyed the attention - hot chick tries to win the pole position, she's in 16th place, then she's leading, then she almost runs out of fuel and finishes fourth. I got way more attention than I ever did as plain old Dan Patrick, race car driver from small-town Illinois. "I hope Indy fans don't feel too deceived, although I wouldn't blame them if they were," Patrick added. "It was fun while it lasted. But it's really hard to live a lie, much less do it at 220 mph." Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
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