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| You don't remotely resemble: Home > Sport | May 23rd |
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Pinocchio Palmeiro Makes Hypocrite Hall of FameAug 4 2005 by Greg Kuhl
Palmeiro says he's also considering a two-year, $1.6 million contract with Disney to appear as Pinocchio at Disneyland and Disney World during the baseball off-seasons. "It's not quite as good as getting elected to the All-Star Game or the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, but it ain't half bad either," Palmeiro said. "Doing my little finger-wagging denial thing in Congress wasn't the brightest move I've ever made," Palmeiro said. "But, hey, I went to Mississippi State, which isn't exactly Harvard, or even Ole Miss. "I was sincere when I did my anti-drug spiel before Congress. But nobody knew I wasn't talking about me. I was referring to others, you know, kids and stuff. I thought I'd never get caught. Pretty stupid, huh? Wonder if they'll nail me for perjury?" Palmeiro said he was honored to join such luminaries as O.J. Simpson and a slew of politicians in the Hypocrite Hall of Fame, based in Yazoo City, MS. "Usually, they wait five years before someone can be elected - just like the Baseball Hall of Fame. But they said they waived the requirement after seeing me testify before Congress and then get busted five months later. Cool." When testifying before Congress, Palmeiro said he supported an Olympic-type, two-year ban for first-time drug offenders in baseball. "But I only got 10 days, so I'm happy with that," Palmeiro said. "Is it being two-faced and showing a double standard and all? Sure, but it was a key factor in me getting elected so soon to the Hypocrite Hall, so it's all good." Palmeiro also said he was looking forward to becoming Pinocchio for Disney, "especially since they're paying me a ton of money. Gotta replace that $163,000 in salary I lost during the suspension somehow. "But I just have one question: Does that Pinocchio suit and nose get really hot? If so, that could be a dealbreaker." Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new, laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!
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