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Barry Bonds Gets Support From Foul-Mouthed Cyst Growing on Hand
In the spotlight once again due to allegations of steroid use, Barry Bonds has reportedly found comfort and support from an unlikely source: an acerbic, talking cyst that has grown on his hand.
San Francisco Giants players noticed the cyst at the beginning of spring training, but most felt it was simply an infected hair-follicle.
"Barry's got a lot of acne," said one anonymous player. "Probably cause he eats a lot of chocolate or something. That thing on his hand just looked like another pimple. For a while."
No one's sure when the cyst first formed a mouth, but no one forgets the first time it made a sound.
"We were gathered in the locker room, taping up before practice," said third baseman Edgardo Alfonzo. "And we heard this high-pitched mewling sound—like a cat caught in a woodchipper. It was Barry's cyst. It went off on this tirade that was just horrifying."
From that point forward, players would notice Bonds holding the cyst to his ear, and nodding thoughtfully.
"They've clearly developed a strong relationship as the walls have closed in on Barry," said Alfonzo. "I'm glad he's got somebody in his corner, even if it is an evil, grotesque entity that's taken over his hand."
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